Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
