My hair reeks of homosexuality.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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