I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
