You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
