I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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