When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
