i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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