I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
