did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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