someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
