I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
