My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize