you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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