i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
