listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
