i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
