umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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