mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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