the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
