I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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