I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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