Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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