he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
