we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize