I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
