You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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