Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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