I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
