Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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