So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
