and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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