Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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