You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
