Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize