we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
