Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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