The maid of honor just puked.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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