Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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