it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
PANTIES FOUND
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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