i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
