I CAN MOONWALK!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
