Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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