you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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