i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize