we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
