i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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