When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize