if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
