im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
even my farts smell like vagina
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
