i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I believe in your delicious
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
