cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Randomize