I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
