you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
