My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Randomize
