Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
