Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
