the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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