It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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