Don't make out with my wife yet
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize