Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
