U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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