happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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