I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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