So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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