John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize