my phone needs a breathalizer
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
