I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize