one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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